


My Forever

by barelyrachaelll



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Eating Disorders, M/M, may be triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-14
Updated: 2013-09-14
Packaged: 2017-12-26 12:55:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/966170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barelyrachaelll/pseuds/barelyrachaelll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They first meet when Louis is thirteen and Harry is still eleven. Louis’s body is changing, but not like that ― he’s not a fucking girl. It’s just. His ass ― it’s rather large. And his thighs ― they’re there. And they’re disgustingly wide. And his stomach has this gross little pouch that shows through all his shirts no matter how much he sucks in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Forever

**Author's Note:**

> This may be triggering.

It's an annoyingly cold day in northern England when they first meet. Louis is thirteen and Harry is still eleven. Louis’s body is changing, but not like that ― he’s not a fucking girl. It’s just. His ass ― it’s rather large. And his thighs ― they’re there. And they’re disgustingly wide. And his stomach has this gross little pouch that shows through all his shirts no matter how much he sucks in.

And above all else Louis is feeling ― this includes the crush he has on the tall boy in the year above him and the stress from his mother having recently divorced ― he feels fat. Louis feels like a fucking elephant and heavy and repulsive. And he just wants it to go away. He just wants to feel normal and okay again but that’s hard with his annoying gut that just keeps becoming more visible.

And he hates it. Louis hates his body and the way he looks and he’s beginning to just hate himself in general, if he's honest.

Harry is young and only eleven and still blissfully ignorant. He bumps into Louis at school and barely mutters out an “oops” just as a “hi” falls from Louis's lips. Harry smiles at Louis when he shrugs, then they’re both on their separate ways. That’s all there is to it, really, but for some reason, Louis finds himself wishing that his smile was still as genuine as the curly haired boy’s was.

They don’t acknowledge each other when they pass in the halls. They don’t suddenly become best friends or anything. They don’t even speak until almost two years later when Harry’s just turned thirteen and Louis’s been fifteen for a couple months.

Sometime during the two years that they haven’t spoken, Louis decided he really does hate the way he looks. He hates his stomach that’s just gotten worse and his thighs that are still there and he hates everything about himself, except maybe his eyes since they seem to refelct what he pictures the ocean to look like. In order to deal with his weight issue, he’s done everything he knows to. He spent months working out excessively trying to lose just a few pounds or at least make the fat less visible. When that didn’t work, he combined it with eating “healthier” foods. That had done nothing but make him gain weight. Granted, it was muscle but it was still unwanted. About four months ago, he’d decided to start eating a little less.

It really had started out just like that ― eating a little less. Making small servings, occasionally skipping breakfast. No big deal, really, lots of people did that. Then he’d realized if he could skip breakfast, he could probably skip lunch, too. He could eat snacks, and it’d be the same, right? Yeah, so that’s where he was now. Making sure he ate at least one meal a day and he had snacks throughout the day. Nothing had really changed that he had noticed, but he was refusing to go back to how he was. It had to change.

It’s early February a couple years after they had first met when Harry notices Louis in the lunch line, holding a water bottle in his hands. He still looks as great as he had remembered, except a little older. Harry likes to pride himself on looking older, too. Sure, he’s only been thirteen for a few days, but he’s still a teenager. He’s practically grown up.

“Hi, I’m Harry,” he tells Louis, deciding to be brave and stepping up next to him.

Louis turns, not expecting anyone to be speaking to him. Sure, he has a few friends that he’s close with, but no one else really talks to him. He doesn’t ever make any new friends. Louis doesn’t mind; he figures it’s because no one wants to be friends with such a fattie. He doesn’t blame them: he wouldn’t want to be friends with himself either. He doesn’t even like being himself.

“Louis,” he responds with a nod of his head. He hopes that will be the end of it, that the boy with curly hair and sparkling green eyes will leave him be.

He isn’t so lucky. “Are you just getting a water?” Harry questions, sounding genuinely curious.

Louis tenses up so slightly that he notices, but prays to whatever god out there that Harry doesn’t. He tries not to pause for too long, so he says, “Yeah, had a massive breakfast.” The lie comes easy. Despite not having had anything to eat all day, he feels like he’s eaten a ton so it’s really just convincing himself. And besides, he always uses that excuse.

Just as Harry starts to respond, it’s Louis’s turn to pay for his water. He smiles at Harry and says, “It was good to meet you properly, see you around,” before walking off without waiting for a response. He almost feels bad, then he remembers that not even some young boy like Harry would want to be his friend because of how disgusting he is, so he only feels bad for himself.

After that, they do smile and give a casual wave to each other in the halls. Harry feels so lucky because someone in an upper grade is actually acknowledging him. Louis just likes it because Harry has a nice smile and his hair is a curly beautiful mess and he also has dimples, so really, Louis has no room to complain. After a couple months of that, Harry figures he should just go for it and they start talking in the halls. School will be out for summer break in a few weeks, and Harry is absolutely terrified of losing all contact over the break.

It goes like this: Harry may only be thirteen, but he figures he knows how to appreciate a nice smile, whether it is a boy’s or a girl’s. Another thing he figures is that he finds himself appreciating boys’ smiles more often than girls’. Sure, he knows when a girl is considered hot or whatever word boys his age use; he just doesn’t find very much interest in them.

More importantly, he figures that Louis has a smile that’s very much worth appreciating. So that’s what he does. And while he’s doing this, he goes up to Louis towards the end of the day.

“We’re friends, right?” is what he starts off with.

Louis looks up and smiles. Somehow during the past few months, Louis has grown to quite enjoy speaking and smiling with Harry. “Hey, Harry. Yeah, we’re friends, I think?” He sounds unsure of himself but the smile stays on his face.

“So friends talk over the summer and hang out and stuff, yeah?” Harry says.

Louis sighs. He was hoping Harry wouldn’t bring this up. He could manage to not make a complete jerk out of himself for five minutes during the school day, but he doesn’t know if he can actually spend a longer amount of time with him. He didn’t really spend that long with anyone, if he's being honest. He doesn't hang out with his friends outside of school on most occasions, save his neighbor, Eleanor. It’s not that he doesn't want to hang out with them, it's just easier. The less time he sees them, the less chance there is of them noticing his diet and questioning it. “Yeah,” he says, “Sometimes.”

Harry smiles and Louis really doesn’t understand how a thirteen year old boy can be so precious. “Good, because I want us to hang out this summer.”

“Oh ―uhm, is that really a good idea? I’m sure you’ll be busy and all―” Louis starts but Harry apparently thinks it’d be a good idea to interrupt him.

“Rubbish. Here, give me your number and we can make plans. Deal?” He’s already pulling his phone out of his back pocket so really, Louis is in no position to argue with him. A little apprehensively, he puts his number into Harry’s phone and saves it as “Louis. :)”. He doesn’t bother asking for Harry’s number since he knows he’ll text or call him.

True to his word, Harry texts him that evening. Although they don’t hang out until the first week of summer, they’re inseparable after that. Harry always wants to be around Louis. It makes it a little more difficult for Louis to keep up with his diet, but he manages to always schedule when they hang out around meals. They don’t ever stay the night with each other, but they somehow still grow impossibly close. Harry is in awe of Louis at all times, which Louis doesn’t understand at all. Louis finds it surprisingly easy to be himself around Harry, almost 100%. By the end of the summer, Louis has told Harry pretty much everything there is to know about him. He somewhat tells him about his diet, except he leaves the diet part of it out. So really, he just says that he used to be really insecure about himself. He assures Harry that it’s all good now and everything’s okay. Fortunately enough, Harry believes him easily.

It’s Friday night, and school starts back up on Monday, so Harry suggests they spend the following night together. Louis doesn’t know if it’s a good idea, and Harry seems to be able to tell.

“My mum already loves you, Louis. C’mon, it’ll be fun,” Harry tries to convince him. He’s brought it up a few times before, but Louis always has an excuse. He really hopes this can eventually become a regular thing, but he’ll take what he can get for now.

After a little bit of debate, Louis gives in. On the following night, he finds himself lying in bed with Harry. He had to eat dinner, which he’s been doing less often, so he feels pretty disgusting. He can’t very well say that aloud though, so he suffers in silence.

Despite the fact that he’s still taller than Harry, he’s cuddling up to Harry with Harry’s arms around him. He wonders if Harry can breathe, because even though he’s been eating less, he’s pretty sure he’s been gaining weight.

“Hey, Louis?” Harry says, voice soft.

“Yeah?”

“You know how you, uhm, like boys?” he sounds so unsure of himself, Louis thinks, but Harry doesn’t wait for a response from him. “Is thirteen too young to know that? If you like boys?”

Louis thinks for a moment before answering. “No, I liked a boy in the year above me when I was thirteen.”

“Good, okay, then I like boys,” Harry says, letting out a sigh of relief.

“Cool,” Louis responds and that’s all there is to it, really.

 

Over the next couple years, they become even closer if that’s possible. They’re best friends in the truest sense of the term. Louis pretty much depends on Harry for his happiness, which he suspects can’t be good at all, but it’s true. Harry also relies on Louis a lot. He’s been his role model in a sense as he’s been growing up. He hasn’t finished that bit yet, but he figures he’s pretty comfortable with the way he is now.

Also over these two years, Harry thinks he’s fallen in love with Louis. Maon is so pretty and perfect and precious. Louis makes his entire life a million times better when he smiles, even more so when it’s that small smile he has reserved just for Harry. Harry’s been surprised that they’ve remained so close, seeing as Louis is now seventeen and Harry’s still young like he’s always been. He has a sneaky suspicion that Louis’s hiding something from him, but he doesn’t let it bother him. He knows everything else about the boy with the beautiful eyes, so he’s content. He wonders if he ought to tell Louis how he feels. He’s right terrified that Louis will be disgusted and it will end their entire friendship. He’s spoken to Eleanor, Louis’s neighbor that he’s somehow become good friends with, and she assures him that he feels the same. “He looks at you like you’ve hung the moon and the stars, babe,” she tells him, but he isn’t really sure she believes him. Either way, Eleanor is constantly trying to get him to tell Louis. He just isn’t positive he’s ready for that yet.

Louis can’t help but think Harry is the most pure and genuine person he’s ever known. He feels so privileged to have been a part of his life. He’s not going to lie, he more often than not has the urge to kiss the younger boy, but he doesn’t think that’d be so wise. Harry probably wouldn’t even want to kiss him. Why would he? Louis is still impossibly fat and disgusting. Just because Harry’s become his friend by some miracle, Louis knows not to push his luck. He’s lucky Harry still even tolerates him, he wouldn’t dare try to push it any further.

It’s mid-winter just after school has started up again after Christmas break when Harry notices how thin Louis looks. He may only be fifteen, but he knows what too small is. He doesn’t know when Louis started disappearing in front of his eyes, but it seems he has. He’s going to be sixteen in a little over a month, and Louis’s just gone eighteen, so he doesn’t know if he should say something to Louis or let Louis handle it himself.

More times than he’d care to admit, he finds his mind going back to that day in the lunch line when Louis had only gotten a water. He doesn’t know why; it’s a very insignificant detail, but Harry can’t seem to forget about it.

“Let’s go get some pizza, babe,” he suggests to Louis one day when they’re driving home from school.

“Can’t, Mum’s making a big dinner tonight,” the lie still falls from Louis’s mouth just as easy as it always has.

Before Louis can even protest, Harry has his phone out and is dialing Jay’s number. Louis doesn’t realize what he’s doing until Harry’s talking and by then it’s too late. “Jay? Hey, it’s Harry. Can I steal Louis for dinner tonight?” he pauses and Louis knows his mom is asking a question by the way Harry answers with an almost sharp no, then he says, “Oh, good. I’ll have him home at a decent hour, I swear. Yeah, love you too, bye.” Louis isn’t too sure when he and Harry started saying love you at the end of phone calls with not only each other but also each other’s families, but it had somehow happened.

“You’re mine for the night,” Harry tells him.

“Aren’t I always?” Louis sighs. He’s trying desperately to appear calm, but he’s fucking out on the inside. Pizza is so greasy and fat and has so many calories and Louis could probably cry right then and there. He doesn’t though, just tries to keep his sighing to a minimum. What he hates the most about this is he knows he’s going to have to throw up. He tries to avoid throwing up at all costs because he hates the way it tastes, but he knows he’ll have to.

When they get to the pizza parlor, Louis waits until Harry’s at least half way through his food before he even touches the huge slice Harry got for him. He eats it slowly, making sure he finishes when Harry does. After that, he doesn’t give Harry much time before getting up and suggesting they go back to Harry’s, knowing that his mum and sisters are at his. He doesn’t like the fact that he’s going to purge in Harry’s home ― it’d be much easier to be caught ― but he convinces himself that with only Harry’s mum downstairs, it’ll be easier to get away with it.

He waits until they’re in Harry’s room before saying he’ll be right back, he has got to use the toliet. He goes to the one in Harry’s room rather than the one in the hall. He knows it’s a very bad idea because his bathroom door doesn’t haven’t a lock, but he doesn’t care because he just needs to get the pizza out of him before he bursts into tears.

Louis knows he can’t stay in here long or be loud because Harry will hear and get concerned because that’s just how Harry is. Louis also thinks Harry won’t really approve of his diet. So Louis shuts the door, and gets on his knees in front of the toilet in Harry’s bathroom in his bedroom, hoping and praying that he can be quiet enough and that Harry won’t notice. He should be able to be quiet enough ― he has been doing this for a few years now.

The truth is this: Louis eats enough to remain somewhat healthy. He’s not in shape or strong and he doesn’t have that great of an immune system, but he still tries to keep up with his one meal a day. It’s not a big meal, and it’s usually as “healthy” as he can make it, but he eats. He really hates that lightheaded feeling he gets when he doesn’t eat for a couple days. He doesn’t really snack so much anymore, but he does drink water often and keeps up his one meal a day. The only reason he was fucking out over the pizza was because a greasy food and Louis would never have eaten that on his own. He’ll tell Harry he’s hungry in a bit and maybe make a smoothie or something to hold him over.

Louis places his finger in his throat and stokes it, urging the pizza to come back up. His gags aren’t loud and he hopes they stay that way. Just as he knows it’s all about to come up, he accidently pushes his finger too far back and he’s already cursing himself before he even finishes the loud gagging sound. His eyes are tearing up now and fuck wasn’t he past this by now?

“Louis?” Harry’s at the door, because of course he is, knocking.

“Yeah, I’m good, I’ll be out in a couple minutes,” Louis doesn’t think his voice sounds nearly as strong as he would like it to sound.

Harry hears the strain in his voice and pushes the door open. He doesn’t really know what to think when he sees Louis on the bathroom floor, holding the side of the toilet with his finger just barely out of his mouth. He knows what this is, god he knows, but he’s in too much shock to actually put the proper pieces together in his mind. Instead, without saying a word, he drops onto the floor with Louis and pulls him to him. He sits there for a moment with his arms around Louis before saying anything.

“Why?”

It’s one word, one syllable, one of the first words you learn as a child. And that simple three letter word has the power to completely break Louis. Maybe it’s not just the word, maybe it’s the combination of the word with Harry’s arms around him like he’s trying to save him and how broken Harry sounded.

Louis doesn’t answer for a minute, because really, what do you say to that? He tries for the reason he gives himself: “I’m just on a diet, Haz,” he says, making sure to add Harry’s nickname at the end to maybe lighten up the mood.

It doesn’t work. “This is not a diet, darling.” He sounds so sad and really, Louis never wants to hear him sounding this shattered again.

Louis looks up and tries to smile when he says, “If you’re going to leave, please go now. Please, don’t sit here and make me think you care if you’re just going to get up and go. I’m a big boy; I can handle it.” Louis’s voice sounds soft and quiet but the message gets across.

Harry’s eyes are the most dejected that Louis has ever seen them but they’re also so filled with what Louis can only connect with love even though he knows that’s not what it is.

“I’m never going to leave you. Louis, I’m kind of in love with you. I don’t think I could leave you even if I wanted.”

Louis knows Harry isn’t in love with him. He knows that Harry is just saying that, but the thought of him actually meaning it is bringing tears to Louis’s eyes. He shakes his head though, telling Harry he knows he doesn’t mean that.

“Of course I do. I always have been. To be honest, I don’t know if there will ever be a time when I don’t love you, Louis. You’re everything to me. You have been since that first day we bumped into each other in the halls.”

And so they share their first kiss sitting on Harry’s bathroom floor and Louis forgets all about the pizza he never got to throw up.

 

Over the next year, with the help of Eleanor and a few of their other friends ― Zayn, Niall, and Liam ― Harry convinces Louis to go to a rehabilitation center to try to get help. As much as he would like to, Harry knows he doesn’t know enough to help Louis. He hates it but he knows it’s what’s best. Louis’s mother cries, and Harry cries, and their friends cry. Louis tells Harry everything and Harry has no idea how he could have been so blind to not have noticed how long the boy he’s in love with wasn’t eating. He thinks if anyone should have noticed, it should have been him.

Even after Louis gets out nine months later, he refuses to say the terms anorexia or eating disorder. He knows that’s what it’s called, but he hates how it makes him sound so weak. Instead, he says Ana. He talks about what Ana was convincing him to do, how he thought Ana was just trying to help him, but she really just wanted to kill him.

He thinks he understands and they’ve got him eating more. It’s not how much Harry can eat, but he’s getting there. Ana still tries to talk to him, but he ignores her for the most part. He relapses a few times but that’s to be expected. He sees a therapist, too. Her name is Dr. Bogan but he just calls her Heather. He quite likes her if he’s honest. She helps him accept himself in ways he never knew he could.

It’s when Harry is nineteen and Louis’s twenty-one that he’s pretty much back to how he should be. He’s eating full meals, three times a day, and he’s feeling much more confident. Harry has stuck by his side through it all and his mother has been pestering him lately about when they’re going to get married. Louis doesn’t really know if that’s what Harry wants but he knows he sure would like that.

There’s still times when he feels worthless. Harry always notices though and he makes sure to tell him that he’s the most wonderful thing in the world and the best thing that’s ever happened to him and that he loves him. Louis loves Harry a lot too, so much that he doesn’t know if anyone else in the world loves anyone else as much as he loves Harry.

Heather tells Louis that he doesn’t need to see her as often anymore. He has to come in next week to wrap things up, then he won’t have to come in again for a few months. He’s really happy about this but also really sad because he’s almost scared of being normal. Heather assures him it will all be okay and he believes her for the most part.

Louis and Harry’s three year anniversary is the day after tomorrow. Louis knows Harry’s been planning this big thing with Eleanor and Zayn and Liam and Niall, but for the life of him, Louis has no idea what it could possibly be.

Turns out, Harry’s rented out an entire restaurant. Louis doesn’t know how he can afford this ― it’s a nice restaurant. He did though and they have dinner on the patio in the back, looking out to a garden. There’s white Christmas lights strung up everywhere and candles and it’s cheesy and perfect and Louis wants to cry from pure bliss.

He’s not really expecting it to happen. He doesn’t know what to expect when Harry pulls him up towards the end of their meal and makes Louis look at the garden. Louis’s leaning on the rail and Harry has his arms wrapped around Louis from behind and his chin is resting on Louis’s shoulder.

“I love you so much,” Harry whispers and Louis smiles and says he loves him too, so Harry continues. “Remember when I first talked to you in the lunch line? And you just had a water and I wondered why but I didn’t say anything because I was just glad to be talking to you. And then when we spent that summer together. The first one. Remember? And remember when I asked you if being thirteen was too young to know if you liked boys? I just wanted you to say it wasn’t because I knew I liked boys ― or at least I liked you ― and I really wanted to spend all my life with you. And then when I found you in the bathroom that day ―” Louis tenses up just slightly but Harry continues anyway “― I was just so scared that you were going to die. I was so scared, Louis. You were everything to me. You still are. All I could think was ‘If he dies, he won’t get to be my forever.’ And I couldn’t have that. You’re supposed to be my forever. I still want that, even more so now. So, Louis William Tomlinson,” Harry paused there and spun Louis around and reached inside his pocket while getting down on one knee. “I would really like you to be my forever. And I think we’ve already done the first step to that, which is getting together, so, uhm, will you take the next step to being my forever and marry me? Please?”

Louis’s crying and he almost wonders if Harry means all that. He just nods and wipes his tears away and he smiles at Harry and he knows for a fact that no one has ever loved anyone as much as he loves Harry.

Harry slides the ring on his finger and Louis makes a sound that almost sounds like a sob before Harry stands and kisses him. Louis kisses him back for a moment before pulling away.

“I think I always knew I was going to be your forever from the very first time I saw you,” he tells Harry and kisses him again.


End file.
